Glad to help...

I'll admit I struggle at times to feel like I'm doing anything worthwhile.  I see so many people flourishing in their careers, making things happen, making a difference.  I know I've chirped about this before and I know there are plenty of other people out there that question their worth from time to time.  It is nice, though, when those random moments come along when you can help someone out, not because there's money or notoriety to be gained but just because it's something that needs to be done and you're in a position to help.  Such a moment presented itself today and I'm really glad I had the opportunity to step up.  I'll be honest, what I did was something I enjoy doing so it wasn't like I had to make some HUGE sacrifice and believe me it wasn't so significant like curing cancer or rescuing orphans from a burning building.  It would be nice if more opportunities like today presented themselves.  It doesn't always have to be something like what I did though.  It could pretty much be anything that's in my wheel house of talents.  Oh, I did NOT just say "wheel house".  Alright, my insecurities are starting to creep in a bit.  I suppose the reason there aren't as many "good will" ops out there is that I probably push them away.  I usually figure I don't have much to offer and therefore don't really look to see where I can be of some help.  When I'm in my comfort zone I can be pretty tenacious when it comes to taking on a challenge.  But I guess it takes real courage to step out of that comfort zone and do something even if I'm a bit lacking in the skills department.  Like someone said, "Life begins at the end of your comfort zone." 

Guess it's time for me to get uncomfortable...

Tough stuff...

I can't help but think our time on this great earth is intended to be a constant struggle.  Now before you start calling me Mr. Cranky Pants, which only my wife can call me that, hear me out.  In the big picture struggle is a good thing.  I know it's hard to feel that way when you're in the thick of things but when you come out on the other side of that altercation, regardless if you're bloodied and bruised, you will always discover a new and better you. 

Runners put in the miles.  Weight lifters pump iron.  Their struggles can be exhausting but the results of their hard work is the creation of a faster and stronger athlete.  Dealing with a difficult person, trying to figure a way out of a financial mess, struggling to overcome an insecurity, they're all examples of situations where we must struggle to overcome and the results, though not always to our liking, will always produce a better version of us. 

I think some folks shy away from struggles.  I guess most of us would prefer to choose the path of least resistance but only through our struggles can we build strength and confidence.  Our personal conflicts shape our character and leave us with a greater appreciation for the gifts we've earned.  You look at those who come from a place of privilege, where life is presented on a silver platter, it's those folks who fail to find meaning in their lives.  Like those lotto winners you hear about, who within a few years of hitting it big are now hitting rock bottom.  I certainly don't want to be beat up everyday but I do want opportunities to present themselves where I can challenge myself and hopefully find a better, stronger version of me on the other side. 

You don't have to crash head first into every challenge that presents itself.  Read Sun Tzu's "Art of War" to get a better understanding of how to do "battle" with those things that confront you every day.  Don't be afraid to jump into the fray and don't worry yourself with the "why's" of life.  Let God handle that.  Just step off and mix it up.  Yeah, these hardships we face from time to time suck but regardless of how those things turn out, it's better to put yourself into the game because they don't give varsity letters to those that sit on the bench.  I know this is coming off as tough talk but mind you I'm no hero by any stretch of the imagination.  I guess the thought of having to live with the fact I backed down from a challenge would hurt more than the bruises I might endure from life's scuffles. 

You're stronger than you know and it's ok to be afraid.  Don't think that makes you less of a person.  All it means is that you understand the gravity of your situation but you'd rather take the risk anyway.  And you know what that is?  Courage! 

Trust...

Trusting is a vital part of our existence.  I understand trust is a difficult thing to do and many of us do it very sparingly.  I'm more apt to be trusting not because I'm a sucker but because an unwillingness to trust only inhibits my ability to grow.  You have to be able to trust in your instincts, to trust in your strengths and to trust in your own resolve.  When you question your abilities and start second-guessing yourself you're taking the first steps towards failure.  More New Years resolutions, goals and commitments fail because we lack the ability to trust ourselves to succeed.

Now trusting in others is another thing.  Trust certainly needs to be earned and you don't want to throw it around willy-nilly.  I'll typically put my trust in someone until they give me a reason not to.   But without question putting your trust in someone is a delicate matter and let's not confuse trust with blindly following circumstance.  You've heard about the women who continually go back to the men that habitually cheat on them, every time saying, "He said he's sorry and I trust him."  Ladies, that has NOTHING to do with trust. Sure there may be a thing or two about him that you truly love but let's be honest here.  You're not really trusting them.  You're just drowning in self-esteem issues that have nothing to do with the neanderthal you're with but everything to do with your lack of self worth.  You're failing to trust in your instincts and your strengths that are screaming at you to move on from this toxic life you're living.

You know trust is the mortar that holds the building blocks of our lives together.  When we lose trust in each other the foundation of our lives and our communities start to disintegrate.  Trust needs to be nurtured and handled with delicate care.  The trust others have in you must be protected and reinforced every day.  We depend on each other and we must be able to trust each other.  We can't live our lives as frightened little children hiding in our rooms.  Trust takes courage.  Don't be afraid to trust.  Yes, it can be intimidating and, yes, there is the possibility you may get hurt, but think of the alternative.  Never being able to trust means never being able to fully live.  Put your trust in others but do so only if they've earned it.  Little nuggets here and there will show you whether or not that person is trustworthy and don't forget trust is a two way street.  When it comes to your friends, family and loved ones, give them a reason to trust YOU.

When trust is an integral part of our shared lives, life becomes more meaningful because "the world has no meaning apart from relationships."  (From the book Cross Roads)

Yeah baby!!!

You know what?  I couldn't care less if Monday's blue.  I'm serious.  And then there's Tuesday, totally gray and Wednesday too.  What the hell!?  And Thursday, you know I REALLY don't care about you.  You know why?  Huh, do ya??  Well I'll tell you.  It's Friday.  Yeah, that's right.  It's frickin' Friday and I'm in love!

Are we starting the weekend yet?  It's Happy Hour somewhere and this work week is done.  Fix, finished and fini!  Time to tell your computer to suck it and put on your play clothes.  Crank up the jams and get this party started, even if you're the only one in attendance cuz you know any party you're at is the best party!  Do something fun or do nothing at all.  Just be the master of your domain.  For the next two days, before they send you back to the salt mines, take charge of your life and go live it.  Live it as if your life depended on it. 

Rock on my fellow inmates.  Time to blow this joint!

Ok, I can do this...

Sifting through a stack of unwanted and some unanticipated bills quickly got me to fretting over my financial predicament and certainly helped to sour my mood.  With the arrival of a horse this spring, two graduations and a wedding, not to mention some family trips sprinkled here and there my ability to figure out financially how to get from here to there is becoming a bit more difficult.  Yeah, when it comes to money it's easy for me to become Baron Von Meisterworry and all I want to do is pull on my jackboots and start kicking someone's ass.  I think it goes back to when I was about five years old and I insisted that my folks show me how to use a checkbook because even at that age I worried about some day having to pay bills and what not.  That first little life lesson planted the seed of angst over finances that blooms every time I sit by the computer to pay my bills.  No matter how much I spout off the power of positive thoughts it's easy for me to slip into that pity party pool of mine.  But you know every month we get by.  Every time I feel like there's no way out there's always a ledge to grasp or a rope to hold onto.  I do need to remind myself that the hardships we face in life are really only opportunities to focus on the here and now.  We shouldn't have to look upon a bad situation with despair, ready to give up.  Instead we just need to pay attention to what's at hand so that those little life preservers that will help us through our dilemma are easy to recognize.  That big, tall, and ominous looking mountain may make me weak in the knees but as long as I concentrate on that next boulder or that next little ledge I'll eventually make my way to the top and the gratification of overcoming my burden will surly outweigh the dread I felt when I started my little adventure. 

Man in the mirror...

So you like to gossip, huh?  Like to put people down behind their backs?  Hey, I'm not here to judge.  If that's your pleasure then by all means indulge yourself.  But if you're looking for a change and really wanting to kick this nasty habit but continue to find yourself in the clutches of this destructive addiction, try this...

For every one bad thing you say about a person, write down three bad things about your.  Now, go into the bathroom, look straight into the mirror, right into your eyes and say those things to back to yourself.

How ya feelin' now? 

Something to contribute...

Ok, I'll admit in my day job it's sometimes difficult to see where I'm making a difference.  Surrounded by a bunch of Sheldon Coopers, feeling very much like Penny's old BF Zack, doesn't really do much for the old self-esteem.  I apologize.  If you don't watch "Big Bang Theory" you won't get the references.  But anyway, hopefully you're picking up on the point that it's hard to feel like you're contributing to something when you kinda feel out of your element.  But fortunately there are times when I can tell that my little donations to the cause do help to some degree.  I suppose I could look elsewhere to find more folks like me but life, both professionally and personally, would be rather dull and predictable if all I knew were like-minded people.  Another reason I'm not into cloning myself. 

Being able to contribute to something means you're able to engage your creative juices in a way that you're helping to produce something of some value.  I think in many respects not feeling like a contributor means we assume we lack any creative opportunities.  I think there are a lot of folks out there that feel deep down inside that they lack any creativity and surrender themselves to the idea that their sole purpose in life is to make it to the end of the day without getting into any significant trouble.   "I can't do this" or "I can't build that" all add to this feeling that we are somehow insignificant, especially compared to others.  Forget what other folks are doing.  Each of us is on our own path and our path is filled with opportunities that are best suited for us and no one else.  Don't get distracted by what's happening elsewhere.  Stay focused on what you have right in front of you. 

You don't have to play a musical instrument, make wicked good cupcakes, be able to carry a tune, paint a portrait, take incredible photographs or author an awe inspiring blog.  You can be creative in an infinite number of ways.  Be creative in how you decide to approach each day.  Be creative in the thoughts you entertain.  Be creative in your behavior.  Be creative in the way you engage people in your life.  You may worry that no one will notice, that there's nothing tangible for you to show off.  On the contrary, what you create of yourself shines more brightly and clearly for others to see, more so than any portrait photo you take or delectable meal you could whip up.  What you create of yourself can be an inspiration to others and what's more gratifying than that?  There is something very special about you and it's just looking for a way to show itself off.  Don't let your surroundings inhibit your desire to create and express.  Let it out!  Your personal canvas is a magnificent landscape of unique beauty, character and experiences that needs to be shared. 

Be your own gallery!

Exactly what I needed...

Wasn't a vacation day and definitely not a sick day. Nope, this was what we call a "mental health day". Going weeks filling up on heavy doses of stress, anxiety, dread, uncertainty, disappointment and anxiety (yes I said anxiety twice) will either put you in the express lane to depression town or sitting atop a clock tower with a high powered rifle. Well I'm not much into guns and vodka gets expensive when you're making Big Gulp cocktails so I usually look for other outlets. This time of year it's all about snow boarding. Now in the spirit of Lance Armstrong I'm coming clean about my boarding skills. Yes it's true, I'm not all that good. I know that comes as a huge shock to many of you but I couldn't keep living the lie. Yeah, I'm not all that fast and my turns aren't all that smooth and any air I might catch is almost never by design. But it is a fun sport and no matter how much I suck at it compared to others it's exhilarating and fun for me and does wonders to flush out my angst account. Everyone needs a release of some kind, something that you own and control. It's your domain and you're the master. It really doesn't matter what it is as long as its something that's rewarding, gratifying, energizing and most importantly, something that makes you feel good about you. There are plenty of things in life that will bring you down and make you question your self-worth. Find the thing that brings out the best in you. It's not being selfish, trust me. When your car runs out of gas you fill it up. Do the same for you!

Say what?!

Now don't get me wrong, I love my beautiful wife more than dark chocolate, sourdough and a big fat cab, and if you know anything about me then you know thats a pretty hefty amount of smoochy love. Trying to count all the reasons why I love her would be like trying to count all the stars in the sky so let me pick out one just for fun.

Honesty! This woman tells it like it is, no filter. It's refreshing, candid and sometimes a little brutal. "Brutal" you say? Not possible. Oh but it is. Allow me to illustrate. A while back, in the not-to-distant-past, on an early afternoon after running errands, we decided to stop at Lodo's (aka sports bar) for some early happy hour suds. Not wanting a booth we decided to belly up to the bar. No sooner did we sit down did this lovely angel of mine announce, "Oh my God, honey, if I wasn't here right now you'd totally fit in with this crowd!" Before I could assume she meant "hip happenin' crowd", I could see that the entire bar consisted of guys ranging in age between 40 and 50+. Lonely guys, nursing their drinks like it was the last girl on earth. Their heads moved in unison, zeroing in on the 20 something, cleavage bearing waitress moving about the bar. "Really?! I'd fit right in?!" Now I can understand the young, cute barista at Starbucks making an unassuming crack about my age but my darling wife? Ahhhh, the devastation, the hurt, the kick in the groin humiliation. Now to her credit she did try to do some damage control, gently stroking my brittle male pride but alas the cat was out of the bag, gacking up a fur ball all over my ego. Well what can you do? I am on the B side of my life but you'd like to think I could still light a spark for my baby. Oh well, as long as she's not looking to trade me in for Bradley Cooper just yet I guess I'll just have to endure.

Of course I say all this while sitting alone at Fox 'n Hound in Texas. And the truth shall set you free!

What was is now a dream...

I think we all know that those things that don't serve us can only hurt us. What we carry with us through life will either help us keep afloat or pull us under as we move through life. Memories will fade over time, details lost forever but what we retain are the emotions and feelings of those past moments. Hopefully most are warm feelings of joy and love but if you're anything like me you probably have a few recollections of hurt. But here's another one of those times where we can influence how we feel in the present moment. It's choices. It's something I've harped on many times before. Whether we want to dwell on the good or bad of our past is a choice. And regardless of what you choose just remember that our memories are really no more different then our dreams. They retain the same amount of detail which usually isn't very much and they really only leave us with lasting feelings. But why focus our attention and energies on things that happened so many years ago? Reminiscing from time to time is fun but the present moment is where you are so why not make the most of this moment? I think that those folks that dwell on the past are hoping in some way to change the outcome which makes about as much sense as trying to force yourself back to sleep so you can resume a dream you were having. The pain and joy you experienced years ago are only ingredients that help build your character and if your main ingredient is pain consider what kind of person you're creating of yourself. Atonement, vindication, redemption, those are all things we think will make better the hardships of the past but no matter what is or is not said or done now really has no bearing on our life now. That so-called atonement or vindication is really our own choice to let go of the past and live and love in the present. Really, where would you rather be?

Hater...

Hate has powered me through numerous challenges in life but nearly all were focused entirely on me. It's fueled me through marathons, triathlons, track meets, football games and several life changing events. But hate aimed at someone else is a dangerous proposition. I personally feel that hate is the one thing that rips the fabric of humanity apart. I know we all throw around the word "hate" the same way a kid wields his father's gun that he found in the night stand. "I really hate it when....", "I hate when she does...", "I hate those stupid...", or "I hate that guy!"

Hate is a powerful word and it drives us to think, feel and act in ways that only serve to hurt others and ourselves.  The sad part is most folks have no clue why they hate.  The superficial reasons such as appearance, behavior or beliefs may seem to be the catalyst of hate but the foundation of hate comes from our insecurities, immaturity, resentment, fears and personal suffering.  Hate is a means of lashing out at those things that have brought us down and have hurt us over the years.  But other than a means to help motivate me through my own doubts and insecurities, hate only serves to destroy.  To hate someone is to deny that person's worth.  Sure there are evil minded people out there but those folks will receive my pity long before they feel my scorn.

Lately there have been a number of opportunities for me to hate someone but I have to remind myself of the alternative.  Allowing yourself to hate is to willingly step into the abyss of eternal misery because those who do hate don't realize they've fallen into the abyss while those who refuse to hate realize they have avoided the abyss. It takes courage not to hate while any coward can be hateful. As I'm quick to say, life is all about choices. Choose where you want to stand in life. Choose to be courageous.

And the award goes to...

In the category of "Best Male Performance in a Household Chore", the Bissell goes to.........John!  for his emotional and stirring performance as an irritable and highly volatile suburban househusband in "Damn You Dogs!"  This is John's third nomination and first Bissell.  He was previously nominated for his performances in "I Swear I'll Kill You!" and "Are You F##king Kidding Me?!"

<clapping, cheers, whistles, standing ovation>

Oh my God!  Oh wow!  I... ah,.. this is .... wow.... <sniffs, tears>.   I had no idea.  I'm utterly speechless.  I just want to thank my wife for giving me this opportunity to clean up after the dogs because if it wasn't for so many small, ratty ass dogs in the house I wouldn't have the inspiration nor the creative motivation to bring out the true nature of my character every time I found a "deposit" around the house.  And of course I'd like to thank members of the Bissell academy for the development of such wonderful tools that occupy the better part of my life these days.  I also want to thank the breeder and puppy mill that brought this production together.  There were times I didn't know whether or not I'd be able to make it.  So many long and hard hours and I'd be lying if I said there weren't any hostile moments during production.  But more than anything I especially want to thank Belle and Roscoe.  Guys, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be standing here holding this Bissell.  It was your blatant disregard for using the doggy-door, your random markings of furniture and carpet and periodic vomiting throughout the house that made this whole thing possible.  I'm so indebted to you and I can only hope that my unbridled rage has shown in some small way what you truly mean to me.  This is just such an amazing honor...

<queue the "get off the stage" music>

Oh, and I want to also thank the makers of Skyy vodka, Pali wine, my doctor that keeps me heavily medicated...

<much louder "get off the stage" music, hot woman grabs my arm and pulls me off stage>

Coming up, the Bissell for "Best Female Performance of Being Married to an Overly Dramatic Husband"

Round 1...

The bell has rung to this New Year and life came out swinging like it was looking for a first round KO.  Like a boxer that's been hit with a flurry of punches, we find ourselves slouched against the ropes just trying to catch our breath and clear our head.  Luckily we've been given as many standing 8 counts as we need so no towels need to be thrown.  Like a marathon, there are many miles to be run in this race of life.  We may have stumbled out of the blocks but we've got plenty of time to get back into our race pace.  It's been a rough start to 2013 but no sense in giving in just yet.  I figure if life isn't throwing us a few punches now and then, then we're probably not living right.  I know that God understands what we're feeling even if we can't seem to put it into prayer.  Sometimes there's just nothing to say or more accurately, there are no words to express what's in our heart and in our head.  It doesn't mean that God isn't listening or doesn't care.  He's just standing there, holding our gloves, checking our eyes and waiting for us to step out.  Come on, now!  Lot of rounds to be fought, lot of miles to be run.  This is just the beginning.  Ding Ding!!

Within our hearts...

When I first got back into photography I use to tag along on Julie's photo shoots as her second or as I like to say, her Sherpa.  My duties were mostly to help pose her clients, look for wrinkled clothing, adjust out of place jewelry or chase down toddlers who were making a bee-line for the pond or the crashing surf.  But every so often she would have me shoot, mostly the candid shots of the other family members just standing around while she was doing individual shots.  This was one of my first and it was during a rather large family portrait session.  I just happened to see the grandfather with his grandson as they were checking out the leaves and branches on a nearby tree.  I'm not sure if this photo made the cut but for some reason it's been one of my favorites and not for it's photographic qualities which I think are kinda lacking.  I don't know how often the two got time together and this may have only been one of just a few gatherings where the generations were together in one setting.  Today I'm sure the little boy who is now grown has no recollection of the event and the grandfather may have since passed, but at least there was one moment in time when the two were together, both at different ends of their lives, sharing time and love with one another.

This weekend we lost Julie's father.  I know I'm overstating the obvious when I say time is precious and we need to make the most of it, no matter how small.  I just wanted to express how grateful I am for the time we had together even if it wasn't very long.  I'm a richer person for knowing Jim and I'll always be eternally grateful to him for welcoming me into his family and his blessings to marry his daughter.  Jim was and still is an amazing man of many virtues, none so great as the love he had for his family and friends.  He will always remain in our hearts and prayers.

Step 1: Shake head in confusion...

Although I've lived among the natives all my life I have yet to truly understand the vast complexities and inner workings of the female mind. For example, explain the rational to me of spending as much as $6,000 or more on a dress you'll only wear once. That kind of reasoning only comes in a double-x chromosome combo. My oldest is engaged to be married this year so let the stress begin!   Her mother and I have come to a mutual agreement on a budget, so now comes the unenviable task of aligning dreams with reasonable expectations. Don't know if its just me but I think the real angst any father has over his daughter's wedding (assuming for one that the groom is a great guy, which in this case he is) is not that the wedding is too expensive but rather the frustration and disappointment of not being able to give his little angel everything she wants. All daddy's girls deserve to be spoiled and mine is no exception. Just wish I wasn't standing so damn close to my own personal fiscal cliff.  There will be more to say on this topic as the year progresses I can assure you of that.  Now whether those posts remain lighthearted and humorous will remain to be seen.  Just need to keep plenty of vodka in the house.  Man, I still can't believe my little girl is getting married.

Ughhhhhhhhhhh

Now look, everybody knows that sick days are suppose to be spent doing things like snow boarding, going to a baseball game, catching a movie or pretty much anything that would be considered a mini-all about me-day.  Well, unfortunately that's not the case this time.  The last few days of my holiday vacation have been spent nursing a persistent and rather mucky head cold which was then outdone by a what I call a "double expulsion" yesterday.  But fear not, I'm not about to recap those specific details.  It was bad enough having to live through the experience.  No sense in providing the highlights.

Well, tis the season for sickly folks to roam the earth, I guess.  I've heard that what I have is some kind of flu where you spend about a week enjoying all the wonderful symptoms of a massive head cold only to be followed up with the even more enjoyable symptoms of the flu.  I don't know, I think I'm going to put my money on that suspicious crab cake slider I had the other day.  I really should've known better.  Eating a sea-based treat in a landlocked state that's more than a 1,000 miles from any coastal area is a recipe for disaster, or at least an appointment to see the porcelain goddess. 

Alright, time to crawl back into bed.  See you guys on the other side.

Highway to the Comfort Zone...

Beware the comfort zone for it is the place where initiative, ambition, ingenuity, thought and creation go to die.  You may feel some temporary contentment or even some relief from those things which challenge and torment you but it is a self-imposed prison to which you are the prisoner, guard and warden.  No great thing ever came from a stagnant object.  Creation requires movement.  To sit and wait for life to happen is to allow life to pass you by.  To be a part of life means to get in life's way, to insinuate yourself into the path of creation so you may be a part of it rather than a mere witness.  You will find no peace from your struggles by lying in wait for relief that you yourself know will only come from your own resolve.  To do nothing is to say that you have no faith in the strength that resides within you, the strength that you've been endowed with by the omnipresent power that protects you and loves you and wishes only for you to recognize your own magnificence.  Step forth into the struggle, embrace those things which challenge you and know that they are only doorways to a better version of youself.

How many frickin' times do I have to tell you that?

Happy New Year!

Hey I'm back for an encore, sort of.  Yeah, I knew I'd probably keep this thing going but it won't be a 365er, though.  I figure I'll be posting throughout the week, mostly when the mood suits me.  I'll still post photos as well because, well, I just like photos and I'm hoping to delve into some new and interesting techniques this year.  Now just remember what your mama said, "If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything."  My ego bruises easily.  :-)

So I got some INCREDIBLE, awesome news last night but unfortunately I'm sworn to secrecy.  A couple of you have already been "read on" but you CAN'T say anything online or comment about it until the info has been reclassified as "Public Information".  Man, it's like watching your team come up at the bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, two outs, full count and your guy smacks a grand slam!  What a way to end the year!  Don't worry I'll fill you in later.

So what's more pathetic, that I was asleep long before the ball dropped in New York?  Or that I was up early enough this morning that last night's partiers were still going strong?  I think it's a toss but what the hell.  Had a wonderful date night with my honey last night at the Hideaway Steakhouse.  Just the way we like it...quiet, romantic, great food, great wine and wonderful company.  Long before the big crowds arrived we scooted out for home, put on PJs and fell asleep to the TV, or at least I did.  Sorry, guess I'm just not the party animal I use to be.

You know every new year always brings new adventures, challenges, joys, frustrations and excitements, all bundled up in a big old sack called "Blessings".  I can only imagine what this year will bring.  Funny, I don't usually get all excited about the new year but something feels different about this one.  No matter what the year may bring I just hope I have the courage and gratitude to embrace each and every new day with enthusiasm and hope.  If nothing else, I'll just raise my stein and give a hearty "PROST!" to life.

Happy New Year my friends.  Let's get 2013 started!!!