And the award goes to...

In the category of "Best Male Performance in a Household Chore", the Bissell goes to.........John!  for his emotional and stirring performance as an irritable and highly volatile suburban househusband in "Damn You Dogs!"  This is John's third nomination and first Bissell.  He was previously nominated for his performances in "I Swear I'll Kill You!" and "Are You F##king Kidding Me?!"

<clapping, cheers, whistles, standing ovation>

Oh my God!  Oh wow!  I... ah,.. this is .... wow.... <sniffs, tears>.   I had no idea.  I'm utterly speechless.  I just want to thank my wife for giving me this opportunity to clean up after the dogs because if it wasn't for so many small, ratty ass dogs in the house I wouldn't have the inspiration nor the creative motivation to bring out the true nature of my character every time I found a "deposit" around the house.  And of course I'd like to thank members of the Bissell academy for the development of such wonderful tools that occupy the better part of my life these days.  I also want to thank the breeder and puppy mill that brought this production together.  There were times I didn't know whether or not I'd be able to make it.  So many long and hard hours and I'd be lying if I said there weren't any hostile moments during production.  But more than anything I especially want to thank Belle and Roscoe.  Guys, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't be standing here holding this Bissell.  It was your blatant disregard for using the doggy-door, your random markings of furniture and carpet and periodic vomiting throughout the house that made this whole thing possible.  I'm so indebted to you and I can only hope that my unbridled rage has shown in some small way what you truly mean to me.  This is just such an amazing honor...

<queue the "get off the stage" music>

Oh, and I want to also thank the makers of Skyy vodka, Pali wine, my doctor that keeps me heavily medicated...

<much louder "get off the stage" music, hot woman grabs my arm and pulls me off stage>

Coming up, the Bissell for "Best Female Performance of Being Married to an Overly Dramatic Husband"