Impertinent Man

Scene:  Inside John's SUV

"You smell that?!  You smell that?!"

"What?!"

"Tires, son, nothing else in the world smells like that."

"One time, when I almost wrecked my car, I had to go buy new tires.  And when I went up to the dealership, after they installed the tires and put the old ones in the back of my car, I walked up... and the car, the whole car, smelled like..... burnt rubber."

"Someday this season is going to end...."

Sorry, that was just me channeling "Apocalypse Now" into an otherwise humdrum day of work and errands.  Too bad dramatizing the mundane isn't a super power.  I'd be a serious bad ass with a swirly black cape because everyone knows black is slimming and who doesn't look cool in a cape?

Just another Monday.  Work and rumors of work occupied my day.  After my allotted time in the salt mines I had to go pick up my car from the service garage.  Needed to have my snow tires swapped out for my all-weather babies.  Not sure the wisdom of that move considering we've got snow coming this Wednesday but who doesn't love riding a two ton toboggan?  Slip slidin' away, or so the song goes.

Next up a hop, skip and a jump over to Kaiser to pick up my meds.  I think I'm going to change my name to Johnny Meds cuz that sounds cooler than "Another old guy in line clinging to life through medication."  Wow there are a lot of sick ass people in hospitals.  Oh well, hopefully those folks don't have to spend to much time in that asylum.

After scoring some meds from my licensed dealer I made a quick buzz back over to our bank to make a deposit.  SOOOOO much like those more than withdraws.  Problem with withdraws is that I'm really nothing more than an over-glorified go between.  No sooner do the bucks leave my bank that they end up in the bowels of some other institution that promised me food, shelter or some other little convenience of life.  Guess you could say money is like beer.  You never really get to keep it.  You only get to enjoy it for a short while before you have to give it back.

Final stop, Starbucks.  Yeah, whatever.  It's my vice.  The first mocha lite frap of the season.  What an auspicious day!  While standing there waiting for my drink one of the hobbit-sized baristas was mopping the floor which immediately sent me back to the wonderful memories of sitting in an over sterilized military hospital waiting to be poke and prodded, and not in a good way.  I said, "Wow, smells like a hospital."  She said, "Yeah, I know.  We've got some big yahoos coming in so we have to really clean up."  I said, "Hey, at least they're only Yahoos.  Heaven forbid any Googles or Pinterests show up."  <cricket sounds..>  Cue the dear in the head lights.  Tap, tap, tap....  Is this on?  Really?  Nothing?  Not even a semi-labored chuckle?  It was an internet reference.  You frickin' kids were conceived on the damn thing.

Oh well.   I'm just not appreciated in my time.  Guess I'll just take my lame ass jokes and swirly black cape and return to my lair.

Our own doing...

A week has past and it's only gone to confirm what I've suspected for many years.  The evil in this world is of our own creation.  Sure, blame it on that obscure fellow with the horns, pitchfork and oppressive living conditions but I'm here to tell you all that's wrong in this world is of our own doing.

It took less than 24 hours after the bombing in Boston last week for all the major news stations to stop carrying stories of the victims, survivors or the first responders.  Since that horrible day it's been 24/7 glorification of two inbred lowlifes.  You can't turn around without seeing a school photo or closed circuit screen capture of these two thugs.  Even though the media speaks of their horrible crimes with such vigor all they're really doing is creating two more celebrities that the twisted wrecks of our society will come to worship and glorify and eventually emulate in another horrific and bloody crime that will leave more innocents dead and another villain or villains deified by our less than honorable news media.

But I'm not about to put the blame squarely on the shoulders of the news people.  We are the crack addicts of sensationalistic hearsay, inflamed rumors and half truths.  No matter how much we might boo hoo to each other about the suffering of others, collectively we crave to see the ceded underbelly of our society as if it's some form of entertainment or worse yet, as if we're entitled to it based on misinterpreted civil rights.  We scream for the horrific and the media is more than willing to feed that insatiable hunger.

People say that the steady and persistent dose of violence that is spewed across our TVs, movie theaters, radios, video games and most publications has no affect on the minds of our youth yet companies will spend millions of dollars for one 30 second commercial during the Super Bowl in order to influence the viewers to buy their product.  If we're all about money well spent, why waste the big bucks on a short sound byte?  I would imagine the makers of the simulated war games videos would argue out of both sides of their mouths that a 30 second commercial will help drive sales but the games themselves would have no affect on the minds of those constantly playing it.  

I sometimes wonder if there were no telecasts, no endorsements, no outrageous contracts, no spectators, no medals nor awards, how many of our precious athletes would actually compete?  If criminals were dealt with quickly, harshly and with no fanfare, do you really think we'd have as many glory seeking freaks that feel they deserve their chance in the lime light even if it's for notorious reasons?  I'm reasonable enough to know that evil will always present itself from time to time.  I'm just tired of seeing this great country of ours continue to give a platform to those who seek to do harm if only for that fleeting moment of perceived fame.  

Boston

They say God only gives you what you can handle.  If ever there was a town tough enough to endure today's tragedy Boston is definitely strong enough to endure this.

Boston has always held a special place in my heart after first visiting there over 20 years ago.  It's historical significance goes without saying.  The foundation our great country was born in that town.  To me the city has so much strength, so much character.   I remember going to my first Red Sox game and being mesmerized by the "Green Monster"and spending more time watching and listening to the locals yell at their team then actually watching the game.  I've run marathons since 1992 and from day one the Boston Marathon was on my dream list of races.  It's with such a heavy heart that I try, like many of you, to make sense of today's horrible event that targeted a tremendous city.

Right now there is a lot of raw emotions embracing our country.  Another town has fallen victim to a senseless, violent attack against it's citizens.  But right now my prayers and energies are focused on the victims of this horrible crime.  Others far more qualified than me are busy trying determine the cause and culprits of this attack.  Emotions are driving our reactions and most are based on suspicions and hearsay rather than facts.  By overreacting to this event we only serve those who intentions it was to create destruction, chaos and death.  As difficult as it is we must try to channel our rage and anger into something that will best serve those who have suffered and those who must work to bring justice to it's citizens.  For some it may be too early to think of compassion when they are driven by rage.  But we must be find the strength to overcome that rage and think and pray with compassion and love for those that truly need it.

I never ran the Boston Marathon but I am a marathoner and today I consider myself a Bostonian.  I will stand with the people of that great city in my thoughts and prayers.  I say to everyone in Boston, you are not alone and all of us across this country and across the world hold you in our loving embrace.  You have always been a tough and resilient community.  Let the rest of us be tough for you today and the days to come as we all mourn your loss.

Right sizing...

"Charity begins in the home."  Not sure who said that and I really don't feel like doing a Google deep dive to find out but that saying is something we should all strive to remember.  I suppose one might think it's a bit selfish to think you're going to take care of you before you take care of others.  I personally think it goes without saying that you can't be a good friend, a good husband, a good father or brother or anything else for that matter unless you've taken care of business with yourself.

If things are off balance with you mentally, emotionally, physically or spiritually, you won't be in a position to best serve those that truly need your help.  Trying to be supportive of others while you fail to support yourself is a near impossibility.  Tending to someone's spiritual growth is difficult when your own spiritual wellbeing is nearly dead.  Now this doesn't mean you need to be near perfect in every aspect of your life in order to help others but if you're truly struggling in particular parts of your life you need to fix yourself first before trying to fix others.  "Physician, heal thy self."

I need to be at my best or nearly at my best before I can help others.  Once I've gotten my house of cards in order then I'm ready to serve my family and in the way they need me most.  Once my family is taken care of then I can devote some of my time to my friendships and to my profession.  When things start to get out of order it may be time for me to "circle the wagons", putting the external parts of my life on hold and put my focus back on my family or perhaps all the way back on me.

Everyone knows their center, the very core of their existence.  It's where everything starts and it's at that very point where we need to feel right about ourself and right about who we are.  For me personally all things start with my relationship with God.  If that is in order then I can move on to being a good husband, father, friend, you name it.  I find myself wavering from time to time and for those who know me they understand there are times when I need to close ranks, right my ship, and get things in order so once again there's balance in my life and I can be all the things I need and want to be for others.

It's been one of those "right sizing" moments and it couldn't have come at a better time.  Some may wonder what happened or ask "where did he go?"  Well I'm still here right where I need and want to be.  For those that matter or care, you will still remain close.  It's all about putting things into perspective.  Taking that inventory of life and reminding oneself about what's truly important.  This has been one of those times.

.....and the adventure continues.

The Devil Wears T-shirts and Jeans...

Like most men I lack the essential chromosome that would make me want to "shop till I drop" but I will say it was kinda nice that my beautiful bride took me out to get some casual work clothes. It's not that I necessarily need them and I define "need" as anything that's older than 30 years and is exposing parts of me that the world would prefer not to see, but I suppose it was time to get some new duds.  I'm sure my co-workers think I only own two shirts and two pairs of pants.  Alright, alright, guilty.  Well, maybe it was time to get me a new frock so I conceded and off to the mall we went. 

Shopping for me, and men in general, is a breeze. Whatever my wife likes I get. I'll tell you right now behind every well dressed man there's a woman holding a dozen other outfits saying, "And you were going to wear this crap?!  Oh hell no!"  It's painfully obvious when I've shopped for clothes by myself.  Color coordination, symmetry and style matching is lost on me. I kinda look like a Picasso painting.  In the Book of John (that's me), it is written, "And the Lord gave onto John blue jeans and a t-shirt and He saw that it was good, as well as comfortable.  For He knowth John cannot dress himself."

We found quite a few things my wife found acceptable so the hunt for men's clothes was deemed a success.  It was time for a lunch break.  The communion wafer and shot of grape juice wasn't going to be enough to sustain us through the second half of shopping so we made our way over to 3 Margaritas and filled up some good Mexican food. 

After a hearty halftime lunch we made our way over to Forever 21 which I mistakenly thought was a real estate office. Oh, that's CENTURY 21, my bad.  Well Forever 21 is THE Mecca for girly fashion. A maze of color and styles, outfits and accessories.  Too much for my simple mind to process.  As the massive burrito and two margaritas sat heavy in my stomach I was fortunate to discover two stools by the dressing room that I'm assuming were most likely intended for the exhausted male. I plopped down on one while a young boy no older than 10 sat on the other, obviously waiting for mama or a sister.  Poor guy, already being dragged around to go clothes shopping at such a young age.  I was almost going to think how cruel to expose this kid to such misery when I noticed he was gleefully singing along to the retro teen, bubble gum music that was blaring throughout the store.  And it wasn't just the one song.  He juked and jived, belting out the lyrics to one song after another, happily singing in his own personal chorus line.  I thought "Wow, there goes the next fashion director at Vogue." 

My wife picked out some cute outfits but I will say it's difficult to critique women's fashion.  I either come off like a complete idiot or ..... no, I just come off like a complete idiot.  But anyway she did look great in the stuff she picked out.  The most fascinating aspect of this whole clothing adventure was that my stuff actually cost more than hers.  Boy, the planets must have been aligned some funky way for that to happen.  But regardless, it was a lot of fun being out with my honey, away from the house and the dogs and enjoying some wonderful spring time weather.  Ahhhhh, heaven.

What!?  We're suppose to get snow on Tuesday!??

Minefields...

It's not hard to think of things I could've done better in my life.  There are plenty of things I've done wrong but given the circumstances of the time I feel I did the best I could with the resources I had.  And by "resources" I mean maturity, intellect, compassion and spiritual clarity.  Now Monday morning quarterbacking has shown me how I could've done things differently in my parenting and I certainly could've handle many of my relationships with a bit more compassion and less selfishness.  But I can't help but feel that all those turning points, all those decisions put me where I am today and I couldn't imagine a better place to be, no matter how much I screwed up to get here.

Now I'll admit there are times I look at my trainer and think enviously about that life style, as if I had the chance I would go back and do things differently but I look over my personal history and think there's really not much more I coulda/shoulda done.  When it comes to athletics I could've been better with my diet but I put 110% into my training and even though my knees and back are now shot because of the pounding I would've regretted ever holding back.  When it comes to being a father I'll always feel I could do better.  And being a husband it goes without saying I could do things better.  I can't change what a fuck up I've been but I can certainly influence the path I'm on.  I may put the "uh" in "Duh" but it doesn't mean I can't get things right once in a while.  I've blathered before about fear and how the things we fear most are the things we've actually experienced.  I fear letting people down and I know I've missed the mark more times than I've ever exceeded an expectation.  That's probably one of the reasons why I like my solitude so much.  If I'm not interacting with anyone, how in the hell can I possibly be a disappointment to anyone?  But that's no life no matter how you look at it.  I'm defined by my interactions with others.  With all great rewards come great risks.  To have such a wonderful wife to share my life means I risk being a colossal screw up from time to time.  Having two beautiful, amazing daughters means I risk being a dip shit dad on occasion.  And let's not even go there about friendships and
career.

I don't know if you're expecting to get anything out of this post.  Maybe it's just another one of my mindless rants which starts out slow and tapers off to nothing.  I guess what I'm saying is as I walk through the minefields of life, no matter how many of those bombs I set off, the collateral damage is not enough to make me want to quit.  It's a far better situation to try and fail at something then to have never tried at all.  It's a lot like love.  The one good thing about screw ups is that they always provide opportunities to learn and grow and brother I've learned a lot.  Sitting back and watching life pass you by is no life at all.  Maybe you look at those who've tried and failed and that scares.  Good, it should.  But that's no reason not to get in there and mix things up.  You have no idea how strong you are until you have to be strong.  Try something, anything.  Give it a shot.  And if it doesn't work out, so what?  At least you know the outcome of one particular path.  Now go try another.  In life there is more than one path to follow and don't ever forget YOU choose the path.