It's not hard to think of things I could've done better in my life. There are plenty of things I've done wrong but given the circumstances of the time I feel I did the best I could with the resources I had. And by "resources" I mean maturity, intellect, compassion and spiritual clarity. Now Monday morning quarterbacking has shown me how I could've done things differently in my parenting and I certainly could've handle many of my relationships with a bit more compassion and less selfishness. But I can't help but feel that all those turning points, all those decisions put me where I am today and I couldn't imagine a better place to be, no matter how much I screwed up to get here.
Now I'll admit there are times I look at my trainer and think enviously about that life style, as if I had the chance I would go back and do things differently but I look over my personal history and think there's really not much more I coulda/shoulda done. When it comes to athletics I could've been better with my diet but I put 110% into my training and even though my knees and back are now shot because of the pounding I would've regretted ever holding back. When it comes to being a father I'll always feel I could do better. And being a husband it goes without saying I could do things better. I can't change what a fuck up I've been but I can certainly influence the path I'm on. I may put the "uh" in "Duh" but it doesn't mean I can't get things right once in a while. I've blathered before about fear and how the things we fear most are the things we've actually experienced. I fear letting people down and I know I've missed the mark more times than I've ever exceeded an expectation. That's probably one of the reasons why I like my solitude so much. If I'm not interacting with anyone, how in the hell can I possibly be a disappointment to anyone? But that's no life no matter how you look at it. I'm defined by my interactions with others. With all great rewards come great risks. To have such a wonderful wife to share my life means I risk being a colossal screw up from time to time. Having two beautiful, amazing daughters means I risk being a dip shit dad on occasion. And let's not even go there about friendships and
career.
I don't know if you're expecting to get anything out of this post. Maybe it's just another one of my mindless rants which starts out slow and tapers off to nothing. I guess what I'm saying is as I walk through the minefields of life, no matter how many of those bombs I set off, the collateral damage is not enough to make me want to quit. It's a far better situation to try and fail at something then to have never tried at all. It's a lot like love. The one good thing about screw ups is that they always provide opportunities to learn and grow and brother I've learned a lot. Sitting back and watching life pass you by is no life at all. Maybe you look at those who've tried and failed and that scares. Good, it should. But that's no reason not to get in there and mix things up. You have no idea how strong you are until you have to be strong. Try something, anything. Give it a shot. And if it doesn't work out, so what? At least you know the outcome of one particular path. Now go try another. In life there is more than one path to follow and don't ever forget YOU choose the path.
No comments:
Post a Comment